so, lately i've been talking to well... her again, and a part of me gets elated and just feels wonderful, but a part of me feels the reality, that i'll never be that guy for her, the guy i long to wish to be, it's like heartbreaking, it seems that everything i write is somehow connected to her and how she made me feel, the good feelings, not the bad.
She makes me think about these two songs by the Devlins
"Years Could Go By"
It's okay, to be afraid
Lose yourself, in the waves of regret
Passing over, not just yet
You are save, in the arms that won't forget
And I look in your eyes
And I feel no surprise
When you tell me now you have to go away
You know years could go by
Empty days, sleepless nights
And I look in your eyes
And I feel no surprise
When you tell me now you have to go away
You know years could go by
Empty days, sleepless nights
Years, years, years
and
"Where Are You Tonight"
Time and time again I have tried
To understand what you need
But there's only so much to give
Did you hear that
Time and time again I have tried
To understand what you still deny
I can hear you by my side, but tell me please
Where are you tonight?
Now you watch the space
I can see you just look around
And you've just got to say what you want
And sometime maybe it'll come around
You know it's hard to be so close
And feel you're losing what you need the most
I can hear you by my side
Tell me please where are you tonight
Time and time again I have tried
To understand what you still deny
I can hear you by my side
Tell me please where are you tonight
Tell me did you hear that
Could you hear it anyway
and this poem i wrote yesterday:
Last night I stayed up dreaming
Wishing you were by my side
Though you were not with me
In my dreams we had to hide
From things that looked to tear us
Tear us so far apart
Even though you are gone now
You're always in my heart
The rain beat against my windows
The wind began to moan
All I could think of was you
And how you could leave me alone
I began to think clearlyUnder this winter's sky
I know why you left me
For you fell for another guy
All I can do is dream now
Live in my fantasies
Because you never noticed
That you were meant for me
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
hope & faith (and not the TV show)
Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary of an idea that one has not been proven formally and cannot prove formally. In short, it is belief in the absence of evidence. Formal usage of the word "faith" is largely reserved for concepts of religion, where it almost universally refers to a trusting belief in a transcendent reality (therefore spirituality and spiritual immortality), or else in a Supreme Being and their role as a guide for people moving into an experience of such reality. Informal usage of the word "faith" can be quite broad, and may be used standardly in place of either as "trust," "belief," or "hope". For example, the word "faith" can refer to a religion itself or to religion in general. As with "trust," faith involves a concept of future events or outcomes.
For the first time in my life, I truly, honestly had faith in something, the idea of love, the idea of being capable of caring so much for someone else that you couldn't imagine your life without them and are so grateful for each and every day you know them and talk to them, the days they're around just make you feel alive and amazing, and you can really see yourself having a future with said person and wanting to do whatever you can to make sure that person is happy and loved and safe.But I don't feel that way anymore, I believe I've lost faith in everything, not just love, but if you feel strongest about something and you lose faith in it, because all hope of this sort of relationship has been taken away, what's left to have faith in? I honestly had more faith in this than I have had in anything in my life, I've been a devout Catholic my entire life, and yet I had more faith in the idea of this person being my soulmate than I have had in the existance of God or Jesus or any other higher power. I guess without having hope in things will work out, there isn't a point in having faith or believing in anything anymore, without hope a man has nothing in life, there isn't anything left to wish for, to dream for, to strive for, so I am writing this as a warning to all of you out there who still have dreams and goals, to never EVER give up hope or to let someone take your hope away.
For the first time in my life, I truly, honestly had faith in something, the idea of love, the idea of being capable of caring so much for someone else that you couldn't imagine your life without them and are so grateful for each and every day you know them and talk to them, the days they're around just make you feel alive and amazing, and you can really see yourself having a future with said person and wanting to do whatever you can to make sure that person is happy and loved and safe.But I don't feel that way anymore, I believe I've lost faith in everything, not just love, but if you feel strongest about something and you lose faith in it, because all hope of this sort of relationship has been taken away, what's left to have faith in? I honestly had more faith in this than I have had in anything in my life, I've been a devout Catholic my entire life, and yet I had more faith in the idea of this person being my soulmate than I have had in the existance of God or Jesus or any other higher power. I guess without having hope in things will work out, there isn't a point in having faith or believing in anything anymore, without hope a man has nothing in life, there isn't anything left to wish for, to dream for, to strive for, so I am writing this as a warning to all of you out there who still have dreams and goals, to never EVER give up hope or to let someone take your hope away.
Friday, June 6, 2008
1. What is your name? : MJ
2. What is your quest? : To finally find happiness
3. What's your favorite color? : Green
4. When were you born? : August 14
5. What hopsital were you born in?: Lake Shore Hosptial
6. What state are you located in? : Nevada
7. What town or city? : Las Vegas
8. Where would you like to live? : where YOU are is where I want to be
9. 3x3? : 9
10. Do you have a job? : sort of
11. If so where? : I'll be a soccer counselor
12. What do you want to be when you grow up? teacher or social worker or something that helps children and families
13. Do you want to go to college, or are you already there? Graduated
14. Which college do you attend?: I went to the University of Connecicut, Queens University Belfast and the University of Nevada-Las Vegas
15. What do you want to major in?: I earned degrees in International Studies, Music, Film, European and American History
16. How many close friends do you have?: a few
17. What do you think the best quality in a friend is?: Trust
18. Would you ever date someone you are best friends with?: It depends
19. Do you believe in soul mates?: Yes
20. Do you think everyone finds theirs? No, but I hope everyone does
21. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Not at the moment
22. What's their name?: N/A
23. Well, if you don't have one, do you want one? yes, but only if it's a certain someone.
24. Do you have a crush? What is their name? Yes and you'll have to kill me before I tell you
25. Do they know you like them?: Yeah, she does
26. What is the best quality in a potential mate?: Trust, Commitment, Understanding, Compromise
27. What's your current hair color?: Black
28. What's your natural hair color?: Really dark brown
29. Who do you think has the nicest hair, that you know? : um… I dunno
30. Which celebrity has the nicest hair?: I really don't care
31. Favorite soda?: Depends on my mood
32. Favorite alcholic beverage? bushmills whiskey, neat
33. Have you ever smoked pot? twice, got really sick both times, I think I'm allergic
35. Ever do any other drugs? Yes
36. Ever get plastered? Yes
37. Favorite Movie? : Serendipity
38. What's your favorite quote in a movie? : There are too many to choose from
39. How many videos do you own?: over 1800
40. What's the last movie you rented?: Semi-pro
41. What's one movie you think should die in a fiery blaze?: Citizen Kane
42. What's your favorite musical?: Cannibal! The Musical!
43. If you could be any character in any movie, who would you be? Probably the lead of some rom-com who hopefully ends up with the girl.
44. Why would you choose them? because it's the role I was born to play
45. What's your favorite TV Show? Sportscenter
46. Favortie Saturday Morning Cartoon? I don't watch cartoons, but I did like scooby-doo... before scrappy came along
47. What's your favorite TV Station? ESPN
48. What brand TV do you have? A Mitsubishi or as we call it the Mitsushitty
49. What are you wearing right now? Polo shirt, khakis
50. What do you wear to bed? Depends on how tired I am, but never EVER socks
51. What color are your socks? white
52. How many CD's do you own?: Over 2200
53. Favorite Musicians: The list would take all night
54. If you could only pick 3 cds' to take on a desert island, what CD's would you bring? I'd bring my iPod and a cd to reflect in the sun to try to signal a plane with
55. Are you enjoying filling this out: Eh, I have nothing better to do
56. What's your favorite place to eat? Home, the best meals are the ones you cook yourself with love.
57. Favorite Ice Cream: Dublin Mudslide
58. Favorite *junk food; veggie, fruit, pastry, cereal*? : depends on my mood, potato, depends on my mood, pretty much any, and again depends
59. Do you have any animals- Dog and rabbit
60. Favorite animal? : those lazy lazy otters
61. Cross 2 animals and give it a new name: Gerbster
62. Favorite vacation place: whereever the waves are highest
63. Where do you want to visit?: Anywhere
64. Vacation: by yourself or with friends? Friends
65. What are your parent's names?: Supatra and Mike (bio) Eileen and Will
66. Do you get along with them? mostly
67. Most embarassing thing your parents have done?: probably call me "mikey" in front of my friends
68. Wake-up time? 6 am usually
69. Bed time? whenever I'm tired
70. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2
71. What size is your bed?: twin
72. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed?: No
73. What's on the walls of your bedroom? Posters, sports stuff
74. Would you like a bigger room?: yes
75. How big is your house? big enough
76. Do you have any siblings? : yes
77. Do you think you are spoiled? : no
78. Peanut Butter or Jelly?: depends, if the bread is toasted, jelly, if it's untoasted peanut butter
79. Love or hate?: Always love,
80. Love or lust?: always love
81. Slow or fast?: Depends on what the basis of this question is
82. Dots or stripes?: stripes
83. Crazy or sane?: sane
84. Talk on the phone or Via Internet?: phone, I'm better at detecting sarcasm and sincerity in a voice.
85. What are your feelings on tattoo's?: I don't mind them
86. Of what and where? And do you plan to get more?: I have had some done but they were removed and had some temporary ones put on before I could decide if I want to keep them or not.
87. Would you ever tattoo the name of your lover on your body?: Yes, only if I believed that the love would last a lifetime
88. Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.
89. Have you ever cheated on anyone?: No
90. If you could pick one person to be president who would you choose?: Colbert
91. Do you believe in God? Yes
92. Do you go to church? Yes
93. How tall are you?: 5'9 and 3/4 now!
94. How much do you weigh?: 120 lbs
95. Do you think you look like anyone famous?: No
96. If you could change one thing about your physical apperance, what would it be?: I'd like to be taller or more muscular
97. How would you describe your personality?: MJ's
98. If your best friend spontaneously combusted, would you clean them up?: after the inital shock and crying, no
99. If you could meet any musician, actor, and anybody at all, who would it be?: most people would think that I'd say Jesus, or something like that, but I'd rather chill with Pre
100. And lastly, who are you?: I'm an open book it seems
2. What is your quest? : To finally find happiness
3. What's your favorite color? : Green
4. When were you born? : August 14
5. What hopsital were you born in?: Lake Shore Hosptial
6. What state are you located in? : Nevada
7. What town or city? : Las Vegas
8. Where would you like to live? : where YOU are is where I want to be
9. 3x3? : 9
10. Do you have a job? : sort of
11. If so where? : I'll be a soccer counselor
12. What do you want to be when you grow up? teacher or social worker or something that helps children and families
13. Do you want to go to college, or are you already there? Graduated
14. Which college do you attend?: I went to the University of Connecicut, Queens University Belfast and the University of Nevada-Las Vegas
15. What do you want to major in?: I earned degrees in International Studies, Music, Film, European and American History
16. How many close friends do you have?: a few
17. What do you think the best quality in a friend is?: Trust
18. Would you ever date someone you are best friends with?: It depends
19. Do you believe in soul mates?: Yes
20. Do you think everyone finds theirs? No, but I hope everyone does
21. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Not at the moment
22. What's their name?: N/A
23. Well, if you don't have one, do you want one? yes, but only if it's a certain someone.
24. Do you have a crush? What is their name? Yes and you'll have to kill me before I tell you
25. Do they know you like them?: Yeah, she does
26. What is the best quality in a potential mate?: Trust, Commitment, Understanding, Compromise
27. What's your current hair color?: Black
28. What's your natural hair color?: Really dark brown
29. Who do you think has the nicest hair, that you know? : um… I dunno
30. Which celebrity has the nicest hair?: I really don't care
31. Favorite soda?: Depends on my mood
32. Favorite alcholic beverage? bushmills whiskey, neat
33. Have you ever smoked pot? twice, got really sick both times, I think I'm allergic
35. Ever do any other drugs? Yes
36. Ever get plastered? Yes
37. Favorite Movie? : Serendipity
38. What's your favorite quote in a movie? : There are too many to choose from
39. How many videos do you own?: over 1800
40. What's the last movie you rented?: Semi-pro
41. What's one movie you think should die in a fiery blaze?: Citizen Kane
42. What's your favorite musical?: Cannibal! The Musical!
43. If you could be any character in any movie, who would you be? Probably the lead of some rom-com who hopefully ends up with the girl.
44. Why would you choose them? because it's the role I was born to play
45. What's your favorite TV Show? Sportscenter
46. Favortie Saturday Morning Cartoon? I don't watch cartoons, but I did like scooby-doo... before scrappy came along
47. What's your favorite TV Station? ESPN
48. What brand TV do you have? A Mitsubishi or as we call it the Mitsushitty
49. What are you wearing right now? Polo shirt, khakis
50. What do you wear to bed? Depends on how tired I am, but never EVER socks
51. What color are your socks? white
52. How many CD's do you own?: Over 2200
53. Favorite Musicians: The list would take all night
54. If you could only pick 3 cds' to take on a desert island, what CD's would you bring? I'd bring my iPod and a cd to reflect in the sun to try to signal a plane with
55. Are you enjoying filling this out: Eh, I have nothing better to do
56. What's your favorite place to eat? Home, the best meals are the ones you cook yourself with love.
57. Favorite Ice Cream: Dublin Mudslide
58. Favorite *junk food; veggie, fruit, pastry, cereal*? : depends on my mood, potato, depends on my mood, pretty much any, and again depends
59. Do you have any animals- Dog and rabbit
60. Favorite animal? : those lazy lazy otters
61. Cross 2 animals and give it a new name: Gerbster
62. Favorite vacation place: whereever the waves are highest
63. Where do you want to visit?: Anywhere
64. Vacation: by yourself or with friends? Friends
65. What are your parent's names?: Supatra and Mike (bio) Eileen and Will
66. Do you get along with them? mostly
67. Most embarassing thing your parents have done?: probably call me "mikey" in front of my friends
68. Wake-up time? 6 am usually
69. Bed time? whenever I'm tired
70. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2
71. What size is your bed?: twin
72. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed?: No
73. What's on the walls of your bedroom? Posters, sports stuff
74. Would you like a bigger room?: yes
75. How big is your house? big enough
76. Do you have any siblings? : yes
77. Do you think you are spoiled? : no
78. Peanut Butter or Jelly?: depends, if the bread is toasted, jelly, if it's untoasted peanut butter
79. Love or hate?: Always love,
80. Love or lust?: always love
81. Slow or fast?: Depends on what the basis of this question is
82. Dots or stripes?: stripes
83. Crazy or sane?: sane
84. Talk on the phone or Via Internet?: phone, I'm better at detecting sarcasm and sincerity in a voice.
85. What are your feelings on tattoo's?: I don't mind them
86. Of what and where? And do you plan to get more?: I have had some done but they were removed and had some temporary ones put on before I could decide if I want to keep them or not.
87. Would you ever tattoo the name of your lover on your body?: Yes, only if I believed that the love would last a lifetime
88. Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.
89. Have you ever cheated on anyone?: No
90. If you could pick one person to be president who would you choose?: Colbert
91. Do you believe in God? Yes
92. Do you go to church? Yes
93. How tall are you?: 5'9 and 3/4 now!
94. How much do you weigh?: 120 lbs
95. Do you think you look like anyone famous?: No
96. If you could change one thing about your physical apperance, what would it be?: I'd like to be taller or more muscular
97. How would you describe your personality?: MJ's
98. If your best friend spontaneously combusted, would you clean them up?: after the inital shock and crying, no
99. If you could meet any musician, actor, and anybody at all, who would it be?: most people would think that I'd say Jesus, or something like that, but I'd rather chill with Pre
100. And lastly, who are you?: I'm an open book it seems
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart
There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart
I will possess your heartm I will possess your heart
You reject my advances and desperate pleas I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart , I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart
There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart
I will possess your heartm I will possess your heart
You reject my advances and desperate pleas I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart , I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
Monday, April 14, 2008
I I know that people always say it's not going to be weird, but it's hard when the emotions and every little feeling is still there, still inside you just wanting to come out. It's hard to just sit and do nothing when your insides are just ripping apart, normally this is where i'd turn to music to find my strength, but everytime i listen to a song, it makes me think about how alone i really am, and how lonely i've been and will be.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
after being attacked verbally all day, i've come to a conclusion, black people and i just don't get along, it's like putting a dog and a cat in a cage, i don't have this problem with all black people, but the majority, the kind that listens to rap music and can't speak english, it's like they see me and see someone they target, here's some examples from my past:
1997 - my jaw is broken in 6 places by a group of black kids my first day in an american school in las vegas, because of my accent.
1999 - my first day of high school in vegas, a black kid jumps me in p.e. class, while in a game of basketball, because i nailed a 3-pointer over him and he injures my back, after i get back from my required parental confrence, his friends beat the crap out of me in the school parking lot.
2000 - I get suspended because I actually fight back as 2 black kids smash my head into a sink in the men's locker room, the coach on duty pulls them off before they do what they planned to do, piss on me.
2003 - First semester at UNLV, I get stabbed in the back by a black guy over a scuffed shoe, which i apologized for, didn't change the fact that he went after me.
2005 - Leaving work I hear gunshots, black guys are pulling a drive-by. Also a co-worker gets jumped by a gang of 40 blacks in the MGM parking garage and is nearly killed.
2007 - While on a bus a black man pulls out a knife and stabs another sitting in the seat behind me, the swing of the knife barely misses me.
2008 - January - got jumped and beaten by black guys with skateboard, suffer brain damage and loss of short term memory for a while. Then a student of mine gets shot to death and at her candlelight vigil another student is shot by a black gang member.
my conclusion, black people and i don't get along, or most black people are fucking ingrates and should be castrated.
1997 - my jaw is broken in 6 places by a group of black kids my first day in an american school in las vegas, because of my accent.
1999 - my first day of high school in vegas, a black kid jumps me in p.e. class, while in a game of basketball, because i nailed a 3-pointer over him and he injures my back, after i get back from my required parental confrence, his friends beat the crap out of me in the school parking lot.
2000 - I get suspended because I actually fight back as 2 black kids smash my head into a sink in the men's locker room, the coach on duty pulls them off before they do what they planned to do, piss on me.
2003 - First semester at UNLV, I get stabbed in the back by a black guy over a scuffed shoe, which i apologized for, didn't change the fact that he went after me.
2005 - Leaving work I hear gunshots, black guys are pulling a drive-by. Also a co-worker gets jumped by a gang of 40 blacks in the MGM parking garage and is nearly killed.
2007 - While on a bus a black man pulls out a knife and stabs another sitting in the seat behind me, the swing of the knife barely misses me.
2008 - January - got jumped and beaten by black guys with skateboard, suffer brain damage and loss of short term memory for a while. Then a student of mine gets shot to death and at her candlelight vigil another student is shot by a black gang member.
my conclusion, black people and i don't get along, or most black people are fucking ingrates and should be castrated.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)