due to an internet connection problem last night, it turns out that i shouldn't have been as devistated as i was, in fact she even wrote about me in her blog

******! Im going to miss him so much. He is amazing and I love him. He just makes me smile. Im glad that ive gotten to know him.

But there were other lads being praised as well, including one that I don't care for at all, I don't know if I can be the lad to capture this lass' heart but I'm not going to give up or back down like I have in the past, the days of cowardice are over.

I failed

So I decided to tell someone how I felt about them, and the feelings I guess weren't shared by the other person, which I actually expected, I mean how could a lass like that ever really like a guy like me, what do I have that's different from all the other lads in her life that are pursuing her? It just sucks you know, putting youself out there to get rejected and to feel all the pain of a broken heart. I tried to go to sleep, I really really tried but it just sucks feeling this pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's like all you can do is say you're sorry and try to move on. For the first time in my life I wasn't a coward in telling someone how I felt about them, I didn't wait until they told me how they felt before revealing my intent, and you know what I'm glad I finally had the minerals to do it. Even though it didn't work in my favor, I just hope that I can get over this feeling and get on with my life, because there is a lucky lass out there for me, there has to be...

Also

Today is the 5th anniversary of my brother's death, to make things a whole lot better, what a wonderful fucking day.

I can't do anything right

I feel that sometimes I can't do anything right, especially when I like someone. Like when there's a moment, I ruin it. I feel like I'm the last resort, the last guy any lass would want to have a relationship with, or the one they'd have a relationship to feel better about themselves after someone broke their hearts. I was always the guy all of my girl friends told their boy adventures to, never the boy adventure, and it sucks, being the dependable friend or brother, never cast as the love interest. Like I know I'll probably spend my days alone, but don't rub it in. I just want what a lot of my friends have, a solid relationship that leads to something fantastic, instead of what I have, a life alone where I'm constantly stuck being the caretaker of their children or the guy who stores their anniversary gifts or even worse, the guy they bring along to pair up with some friend from work at an event.

Please soulmate, find me?

What's going on

I feel that I purpously make my life a lot more complicated then it has to be. Like everything is scary and crazy enough without me putting more on myself to do, like right things were going smoothly... well sort of and then I get asked to do something for someone, and of course I agree to do it and it ends up being a disaster leaving several parties mad at me. I don't really have much in my corner or anything or anyone to turn to in situations like this, I think the support was one of the things I was missing most in my last relationship, that and honesty, I was glad to get out of my last relationship, because I felt that I was consistantly being played for a fool, and even though it was she who pulled the trigger on the break first, I'm just glad to be out of it. Still, it's not like my friends are supportive of the things I do, most just shrug it off or pass on responsibilities on me, which is a complete load of bullshit.

Relationships.... bleh, I don't even want to start about badly that's going right now, like I feel that I can't compete with what people really want in relationships, or all the shallow little things that people like, great looks, great hair, body all that outer stuff that people stay transfixed on, instead of looking at personality and such. Thank god I have music to make things feel right.

First post

Well this is my first post on this new public blog, it's sort of weird. I'm not going to get into a lot of the details that are on my private blog, but if you're a livejournal member I suggest you check it out.