hope & faith (and not the TV show)

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary of an idea that one has not been proven formally and cannot prove formally. In short, it is belief in the absence of evidence. Formal usage of the word "faith" is largely reserved for concepts of religion, where it almost universally refers to a trusting belief in a transcendent reality (therefore spirituality and spiritual immortality), or else in a Supreme Being and their role as a guide for people moving into an experience of such reality. Informal usage of the word "faith" can be quite broad, and may be used standardly in place of either as "trust," "belief," or "hope". For example, the word "faith" can refer to a religion itself or to religion in general. As with "trust," faith involves a concept of future events or outcomes.
For the first time in my life, I truly, honestly had faith in something, the idea of love, the idea of being capable of caring so much for someone else that you couldn't imagine your life without them and are so grateful for each and every day you know them and talk to them, the days they're around just make you feel alive and amazing, and you can really see yourself having a future with said person and wanting to do whatever you can to make sure that person is happy and loved and safe.But I don't feel that way anymore, I believe I've lost faith in everything, not just love, but if you feel strongest about something and you lose faith in it, because all hope of this sort of relationship has been taken away, what's left to have faith in? I honestly had more faith in this than I have had in anything in my life, I've been a devout Catholic my entire life, and yet I had more faith in the idea of this person being my soulmate than I have had in the existance of God or Jesus or any other higher power. I guess without having hope in things will work out, there isn't a point in having faith or believing in anything anymore, without hope a man has nothing in life, there isn't anything left to wish for, to dream for, to strive for, so I am writing this as a warning to all of you out there who still have dreams and goals, to never EVER give up hope or to let someone take your hope away.

1. What is your name? : MJ
2. What is your quest? : To finally find happiness
3. What's your favorite color? : Green
4. When were you born? : August 14
5. What hopsital were you born in?: Lake Shore Hosptial
6. What state are you located in? : Nevada
7. What town or city? : Las Vegas
8. Where would you like to live? : where YOU are is where I want to be
9. 3x3? : 9
10. Do you have a job? : sort of
11. If so where? : I'll be a soccer counselor
12. What do you want to be when you grow up? teacher or social worker or something that helps children and families
13. Do you want to go to college, or are you already there? Graduated
14. Which college do you attend?: I went to the University of Connecicut, Queens University Belfast and the University of Nevada-Las Vegas
15. What do you want to major in?: I earned degrees in International Studies, Music, Film, European and American History
16. How many close friends do you have?: a few
17. What do you think the best quality in a friend is?: Trust
18. Would you ever date someone you are best friends with?: It depends
19. Do you believe in soul mates?: Yes
20. Do you think everyone finds theirs? No, but I hope everyone does
21. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Not at the moment
22. What's their name?: N/A
23. Well, if you don't have one, do you want one? yes, but only if it's a certain someone.
24. Do you have a crush? What is their name? Yes and you'll have to kill me before I tell you
25. Do they know you like them?: Yeah, she does
26. What is the best quality in a potential mate?: Trust, Commitment, Understanding, Compromise
27. What's your current hair color?: Black
28. What's your natural hair color?: Really dark brown
29. Who do you think has the nicest hair, that you know? : um… I dunno
30. Which celebrity has the nicest hair?: I really don't care
31. Favorite soda?: Depends on my mood
32. Favorite alcholic beverage? bushmills whiskey, neat
33. Have you ever smoked pot? twice, got really sick both times, I think I'm allergic
35. Ever do any other drugs? Yes
36. Ever get plastered? Yes
37. Favorite Movie? : Serendipity
38. What's your favorite quote in a movie? : There are too many to choose from
39. How many videos do you own?: over 1800
40. What's the last movie you rented?: Semi-pro
41. What's one movie you think should die in a fiery blaze?: Citizen Kane
42. What's your favorite musical?: Cannibal! The Musical!
43. If you could be any character in any movie, who would you be? Probably the lead of some rom-com who hopefully ends up with the girl.
44. Why would you choose them? because it's the role I was born to play
45. What's your favorite TV Show? Sportscenter
46. Favortie Saturday Morning Cartoon? I don't watch cartoons, but I did like scooby-doo... before scrappy came along
47. What's your favorite TV Station? ESPN
48. What brand TV do you have? A Mitsubishi or as we call it the Mitsushitty
49. What are you wearing right now? Polo shirt, khakis
50. What do you wear to bed? Depends on how tired I am, but never EVER socks
51. What color are your socks? white
52. How many CD's do you own?: Over 2200
53. Favorite Musicians: The list would take all night
54. If you could only pick 3 cds' to take on a desert island, what CD's would you bring? I'd bring my iPod and a cd to reflect in the sun to try to signal a plane with
55. Are you enjoying filling this out: Eh, I have nothing better to do
56. What's your favorite place to eat? Home, the best meals are the ones you cook yourself with love.
57. Favorite Ice Cream: Dublin Mudslide
58. Favorite *junk food; veggie, fruit, pastry, cereal*? : depends on my mood, potato, depends on my mood, pretty much any, and again depends
59. Do you have any animals- Dog and rabbit
60. Favorite animal? : those lazy lazy otters
61. Cross 2 animals and give it a new name: Gerbster
62. Favorite vacation place: whereever the waves are highest
63. Where do you want to visit?: Anywhere
64. Vacation: by yourself or with friends? Friends
65. What are your parent's names?: Supatra and Mike (bio) Eileen and Will
66. Do you get along with them? mostly
67. Most embarassing thing your parents have done?: probably call me "mikey" in front of my friends
68. Wake-up time? 6 am usually
69. Bed time? whenever I'm tired
70. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2
71. What size is your bed?: twin
72. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed?: No
73. What's on the walls of your bedroom? Posters, sports stuff
74. Would you like a bigger room?: yes
75. How big is your house? big enough
76. Do you have any siblings? : yes
77. Do you think you are spoiled? : no
78. Peanut Butter or Jelly?: depends, if the bread is toasted, jelly, if it's untoasted peanut butter
79. Love or hate?: Always love,
80. Love or lust?: always love
81. Slow or fast?: Depends on what the basis of this question is
82. Dots or stripes?: stripes
83. Crazy or sane?: sane
84. Talk on the phone or Via Internet?: phone, I'm better at detecting sarcasm and sincerity in a voice.
85. What are your feelings on tattoo's?: I don't mind them
86. Of what and where? And do you plan to get more?: I have had some done but they were removed and had some temporary ones put on before I could decide if I want to keep them or not.
87. Would you ever tattoo the name of your lover on your body?: Yes, only if I believed that the love would last a lifetime
88. Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.
89. Have you ever cheated on anyone?: No
90. If you could pick one person to be president who would you choose?: Colbert
91. Do you believe in God? Yes
92. Do you go to church? Yes
93. How tall are you?: 5'9 and 3/4 now!
94. How much do you weigh?: 120 lbs
95. Do you think you look like anyone famous?: No
96. If you could change one thing about your physical apperance, what would it be?: I'd like to be taller or more muscular
97. How would you describe your personality?: MJ's
98. If your best friend spontaneously combusted, would you clean them up?: after the inital shock and crying, no
99. If you could meet any musician, actor, and anybody at all, who would it be?: most people would think that I'd say Jesus, or something like that, but I'd rather chill with Pre
100. And lastly, who are you?: I'm an open book it seems

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heartm I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart, I will possess your heart , I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

I I know that people always say it's not going to be weird, but it's hard when the emotions and every little feeling is still there, still inside you just wanting to come out. It's hard to just sit and do nothing when your insides are just ripping apart, normally this is where i'd turn to music to find my strength, but everytime i listen to a song, it makes me think about how alone i really am, and how lonely i've been and will be.

after being attacked verbally all day, i've come to a conclusion, black people and i just don't get along, it's like putting a dog and a cat in a cage, i don't have this problem with all black people, but the majority, the kind that listens to rap music and can't speak english, it's like they see me and see someone they target, here's some examples from my past:

1997 - my jaw is broken in 6 places by a group of black kids my first day in an american school in las vegas, because of my accent.

1999 - my first day of high school in vegas, a black kid jumps me in p.e. class, while in a game of basketball, because i nailed a 3-pointer over him and he injures my back, after i get back from my required parental confrence, his friends beat the crap out of me in the school parking lot.

2000 - I get suspended because I actually fight back as 2 black kids smash my head into a sink in the men's locker room, the coach on duty pulls them off before they do what they planned to do, piss on me.

2003 - First semester at UNLV, I get stabbed in the back by a black guy over a scuffed shoe, which i apologized for, didn't change the fact that he went after me.

2005 - Leaving work I hear gunshots, black guys are pulling a drive-by. Also a co-worker gets jumped by a gang of 40 blacks in the MGM parking garage and is nearly killed.

2007 - While on a bus a black man pulls out a knife and stabs another sitting in the seat behind me, the swing of the knife barely misses me.

2008 - January - got jumped and beaten by black guys with skateboard, suffer brain damage and loss of short term memory for a while. Then a student of mine gets shot to death and at her candlelight vigil another student is shot by a black gang member.

my conclusion, black people and i don't get along, or most black people are fucking ingrates and should be castrated.

I think I should just let it go, just give up, 'cause it's like useless always competiting for a lass and never knowing where you stand, or even if they feel a shred of what you feel for them. It just seems useless and you're at the point of where you're on the bad end of unrequited love.

due to an internet connection problem last night, it turns out that i shouldn't have been as devistated as i was, in fact she even wrote about me in her blog

******! Im going to miss him so much. He is amazing and I love him. He just makes me smile. Im glad that ive gotten to know him.

But there were other lads being praised as well, including one that I don't care for at all, I don't know if I can be the lad to capture this lass' heart but I'm not going to give up or back down like I have in the past, the days of cowardice are over.

I failed

So I decided to tell someone how I felt about them, and the feelings I guess weren't shared by the other person, which I actually expected, I mean how could a lass like that ever really like a guy like me, what do I have that's different from all the other lads in her life that are pursuing her? It just sucks you know, putting youself out there to get rejected and to feel all the pain of a broken heart. I tried to go to sleep, I really really tried but it just sucks feeling this pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's like all you can do is say you're sorry and try to move on. For the first time in my life I wasn't a coward in telling someone how I felt about them, I didn't wait until they told me how they felt before revealing my intent, and you know what I'm glad I finally had the minerals to do it. Even though it didn't work in my favor, I just hope that I can get over this feeling and get on with my life, because there is a lucky lass out there for me, there has to be...

Also

Today is the 5th anniversary of my brother's death, to make things a whole lot better, what a wonderful fucking day.

I can't do anything right

I feel that sometimes I can't do anything right, especially when I like someone. Like when there's a moment, I ruin it. I feel like I'm the last resort, the last guy any lass would want to have a relationship with, or the one they'd have a relationship to feel better about themselves after someone broke their hearts. I was always the guy all of my girl friends told their boy adventures to, never the boy adventure, and it sucks, being the dependable friend or brother, never cast as the love interest. Like I know I'll probably spend my days alone, but don't rub it in. I just want what a lot of my friends have, a solid relationship that leads to something fantastic, instead of what I have, a life alone where I'm constantly stuck being the caretaker of their children or the guy who stores their anniversary gifts or even worse, the guy they bring along to pair up with some friend from work at an event.

Please soulmate, find me?

What's going on

I feel that I purpously make my life a lot more complicated then it has to be. Like everything is scary and crazy enough without me putting more on myself to do, like right things were going smoothly... well sort of and then I get asked to do something for someone, and of course I agree to do it and it ends up being a disaster leaving several parties mad at me. I don't really have much in my corner or anything or anyone to turn to in situations like this, I think the support was one of the things I was missing most in my last relationship, that and honesty, I was glad to get out of my last relationship, because I felt that I was consistantly being played for a fool, and even though it was she who pulled the trigger on the break first, I'm just glad to be out of it. Still, it's not like my friends are supportive of the things I do, most just shrug it off or pass on responsibilities on me, which is a complete load of bullshit.

Relationships.... bleh, I don't even want to start about badly that's going right now, like I feel that I can't compete with what people really want in relationships, or all the shallow little things that people like, great looks, great hair, body all that outer stuff that people stay transfixed on, instead of looking at personality and such. Thank god I have music to make things feel right.

First post

Well this is my first post on this new public blog, it's sort of weird. I'm not going to get into a lot of the details that are on my private blog, but if you're a livejournal member I suggest you check it out.